Over the hump

I am not talking about Jenny's! We had the 4th ante-natal class, and are half through our course.

We covered all the ways to deal with discomfort, i.e. pain. Midwives are in denial about pain. I think if I reached down, grabbed my scrotum and pulled it over my head, a midwife would look at me and ask, quite seriously, if I was experience some discomfort. No, my dear, a lumpy cushion is discomfort, this is PAIN.

So the three main pain relief methods are gas, epidural and injection. Injection is morphine-like substance and lasts a couple of hours and can make you pass out. Not too good, you could miss the whole event. Epidural, is where they stab you in the back with a needle that is the same size as the lances used by medieval knights; tempting, but no. Gas is a nitrous-oxide/oxygen mix which gives you that nice floaty feeling. Easy choice, definitely the gas. That is what I'm going for, I'm not sure what Jenny has decided to use though.

Next Monday class is a men's only affair. We have even been given permission to take along some beer or wine. I'm not sure what is etiquette with this kind of situation do you take a red or white wine. I was thinking a red, not too sure whether it should be cabernet or a merlot. I think I'll probably go with a merlot, they tend to be more full-bodied.

So why the alcohol? That makes me nervous. Guys know that alcohol will lower your inhibitions, not that that will stop us drinking. So I think Lynne is going to try a spring something on us. I'll keep you updated.

Ante-natal class is against the ropes and reeling

So after the third ante-natal class I think I'm going to be OK. Another 2 births and no problems, these showed the mothers taking more strain with the labor and I think all the mothers were more worried than the fathers after seeing these videos.

We also forgot to do our home work, fortunately there is no detention. We were supposed to bring pillows as we are now starting to do breathing exercises and trying different positions. There were spare pillows so we weren't left out of the fun and games.

My theory is that all woman know everything about the breathing for birth. The reason for the practice is that some by strange coincidence all the positions seem to result in the man being perfectly positioned to massage some part of the woman. So while they are "learning to breath" and "finding a good delivery position" the man is like some Egyptian slave catering to Cleopatra's every need and running around massaging whichever part of the body is mentioned or pointed at. All sounds a little suspicious to me!

On the social front we had Alex's baby shower at our place on Saturday. She got lots of loot. The party then continued with the partners joining the woman. A good bring-n-braai and much beer/wine/etc later everyone was very festive. Well, that is except for Alex and Jenny who weren't drinking and probably wandering what the hell was so funny most of the time. Larry was particularly entertaining regaling us of his exploits on the open sea, diesel feet and all!

Wayne 2 - Ante-natal 0

So I've manage to take a 2-0 lead. The second ante-natal class had all the appearances of doing a strong come back with the threat of a video of an actual birth... However, it was a calm affair with the mother giving birth naturally with none of the Hollywood screaming. The baby decided to exit using the normal route and not performs its own DIY caesarian, bursting out and scuttling across the floor like an Alien.

The father was not subject to any abuse and it certainly was a life changing experience for them, and not just because they now had their own little alien.

The nursery paint has been bought and we are going to take the colonial approach and get a native to do the actual painting. Ok, so it is our gardener who also appears to be quite adept at DIY. We've got some doubts about the lilac we've chosen, however, we'll wait and see it on the walls.

Jenny is back at school and has discovered that everyone want to talk about babies. I'm not sure if she has had any stomach rubbing but that is one question I've always had; why is it when a woman is pregnant that everyone feels that her stomach has now become public property. Why do people feel the need to rub a pregnant woman's stomach? I think next time a woman comes up to Jenny and makes some inane comment while rubbing her stomach, I'm going to lean over and rub her butt and see what happens! :)

Actually I can guess what will happen, I'll get slapped, twice! Once by Jenny and once by the woman, it might still be worth it though!

Wayne 1 - Ante-natal 0

Misery loves company! It was nice to know that there are other men in the same position. The Band of Brothers with Bulging Betrotheds, we commiserated and shared horror stories. The only downside is that with Jenny's due date is the latest and I had to hear the stories of what we had to look forward to. With each of the stories I was cast a knowing glance as if to say, "Just wait, your turn is coming!" On the up side, Jenny is experiencing less of the mood swings than most, so maybe I have managed to dodge that bullet.

The five (I think) other couple in the class are all nice people and it looks like it could be a lot of fun. As for the material covered so far it was all pretty basic, most of which I remember from matric biology. So not too many shocks there, however, next week we have been threatened with a video of a birth. I think the old ante-natal class was just lulling me into a false sense of security, it could be doing the old 1-2 and go for the knock out punch early. Oh well, I'll have to keep on my toes and bravely hide behind Jenny when things get rough!

The Lair of the Beast

So planning for the lair has started, Jenny likes to refer to is as a nursery. We are going to go with a Winnie the Pooh theme and we're doing a two tone color with a lilac/blue at the bottom and cream at the top with pictures of the all the characters. Perfect to lure unsuspecting friends into it in the belief that it contains a cute and cuddly little toddler. So perfect that they will be overcome with the urge to offer to babysit... Then the trap springs shut!

Right, finished with my little caffeine-low induced delusional episode. So the other big thing for today is the start of our ante-natal classes. Depending on how they go I can see them becoming anti-natal classes. I'm sure that is the correct spelling and wives carefully only let men go to them after they are pregnant, thereby ensuring there is no backing out. If I'm not too traumatised tomorrow I'll give a blow-by-blow account of my encounter with the dreaded ante-natal class.

The Shopping Begins

So children are expensive and that is even before they are born. We've been shopping and looking at prams, cots, baby monitors, car seats, plasma tvs, etc. Ok, so maybe the baby doesn't need a plasma TV but I'm sure it would like one. It would make dad really happy!

Jenny's folks have been fantastic and have bought us a pram, I was shocked at how expensive a simple pram is. Well, they're not so simple, you need to be a Japanese Oragami expert to figure out how to fold it, and make sure you don't have any vital appendages too close otherwise those too will become and integral part of the now folded pram.

I'm not sure who is more excited about the baby, Jenny or Jenny's sister Kate. Every couple of days we get a call from Kate telling us which new clothes/toys/accessory she's bought. Last night she phoned us and said that she and Mike (Jenny's brother) want to buy the cot for us. We're not complaining! Hmm, I take that back. Maybe babies aren't that expensive!

This weekend we'll be starting on the nursery. It is going to have a Winnie the Pooh theme. Nothing to do with Jenny's obsession with Eeyore of course! We decided we needed the other characters and not just Eeyore otherwise the child would definitely grow up to be a manic-depressant. The last thing I want is a baby Goth. Although, that would make buying clothes easier, none of this having to choose colors, we can just go with a nice pastel black.